Onion News Network on “Green” Recall of All U.S. Currency

A sudden confiscation of all U.S. currency by the Federal government for environmental health reasons? In an insightful parody of monetary nationalism/socialism, taxation, and environmental fear-mongering, the Onion News Network reports on a “no questions allowed” press conference by Treasury Department spokesman Ronald Schuler, announcing the immediate recall of all $776 billion pieces of U.S. currency in circulation. The reason given for the emergency recall is that “these particular bills were printed with dye containing toxins, that while completely safe at this moment, will become extremely deadly Friday at exactly 12 noon. As a result, we need to act quickly.”

Okay, tomorrow all Americans will receive a bag like this in the mail. Just rubber-band the money into neat piles and put it into the sack and then drop the sack into your nearest mailbox. Uh, do not under any circumstances attempt to burn or shred the money yourself. The Federal government, uh, are the only ones who can destroy the money as we are the only ones with the proper facilities to do so. If you review the old laws, it is actually not so uncommon for something like this to be done. So there really is no need to panic or to review those old laws, because I just told you that it’s true.

We understand that this recall will be hard on U.S. citizens who will have no more money but we assure you if you work hard, you will be eventually able to earn, uh, earn it back. This is in the best interest of the American people. This dye poisoning, uh, causes your internal organs to rot from within and is really painful until you puke up your guts and die. I said no questions. These, these, uh, there is really no time to think about this. Just listen to me and send in the money. Thank you.


Treasury Department Issues Emergency Recall Of All US Dollars

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David J. Theroux is Founder, President and Chief Executive Officer of the Independent Institute.
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