ABCs for Today’s Public School Students



A is for Alzheimer’s Disease. If you eat lots of vegetables and floss your teeth, you will live a long time and get this condition as your reward.

B is for Baconator. If thou shouldst ever eat one, thou shalt surely die.

C is for Crumbling Infrastructure, an incantation government officials mutter when they want to spend more of the public’s money on “stimulus.”

D is for Disability Insurance Benefits. Just say that your back hurts or you have a “mood disorder” and get money in return.

E is for Energy Savings, an all-purpose excuse for wasteful government regulations and mandates.

F is for Food and Drug Administration, an indispensable government agency that makes sure no food or drug will ever harm you unless it does so anyhow.

G is for Gun Control. Unless you are a police officer or a soldier, you should never touch a gun.

H is for Hunger, which was a big problem in the USA until St. Franklin D. Roosevelt banned it by executive order.

I is for Interest—what you don’t have in learning anything in public school.

J is for Junk Food, the stuff you really like to eat.

K is for Karl Marx, Karl Rove, and Boris Karloff—all famous movie actors.

L is for Let My People Go, the demand that Moses made on Pharaoh in order to get the Jewish kids out of the Egyptian public schools.

M is for Multiculturalism. Marxism has new clothes!

N is for Nanny State, because you are too stupid to make personal decisions for yourself.

O is for Oppression, which a government can bring about only in other countries, by definition.

P is for Private, a once predominant part of human life that the government had to destroy in the public interest.

Q is for Quaint, an overly delicate action no longer considered apt, such as a congressional declaration of war before the president shouts, “bombs away!”

R is for Railroad Transportation, a highly subsidized deity worshiped by progressives, especially when it is carried out on light rails.

S is for Satisfaction, a feeling that government officials will never experience until they have all the power.

T is for Trick Question, the only kind a federal prosecutor will ever ask you when you are on trial.

U is for Ubermensch, members of the power elite (in contrast to Untermensch, which comprises the rest of us).

V is for Virtue, a quality that conservatives believe can be attained by pounding people with a government hammer until they shape up.

W is for Watermelon, the model for the environmental movement.

X is for X-ray Vision, which government investigators use to discover the countless crimes we have committed without even knowing it.

Y is for Yes Men, the kind of men with which aspiring politicians and government officials surround themselves.

Z is for Zeus, the most powerful god that ever existed until the creation of the modern state.

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