When a Congressman Says X, He Is Thinking Y

X : I will serve the people of this district to the best of my ability.

Y: I intend to look out for my own interest every step of the way, so unless you’re the highest bidder for my services, you’d better start saying your prayers now.

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X: The people have spoken, and they have chosen me.

Y: The rich guys and well-heeled organizations that backed my candidacy picked me to run, and they coughed up enough dough to buy or steal this election for me. I’d be a damned fool to forget who put me in office.

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X: America needs A, B, and C.

Y: My critical electoral coalition stands to make a shipload of money off of A, B, and C. If I want to keep my sorry ass in office, I’d better do everything in my power to see that the government carries out A, B, and C.

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X: I will always level with you.

Y: Watch my lips. If they’re moving, I’m lying (because I’m not such an idiot that I’d ever own up to the disgraceful way I sell my soul to the devil every day of the week—and that includes Sunday, when I make a show of attending church.

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X: I only want to do what’s right for America.

Y: I spend virtually every waking hour raising money for my next campaign. My staffers handle the legislation according to what my biggest contributors tell them they want us to do for them.

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X: We need to put aside partisan bickering and work on solving the country’s problems.

Y: Those bastards in the other party had better watch their backs if they know what’s good for them.

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X: Every country in Europe has Program R, and the American people deserve nothing less.

Y: If Eurosclerosis is good enough for Europe, Amerosclerosis is good enough for America.

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X: We simply cannot afford to defer dealing with the deficit any longer.

Y: Some of you peasants still have money, and we intend to squeeze it out of you and give it to the scoundrels who bankrolled our election (minus a healthy cut for ourselves and the bureaucracy, of course).

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X: America’s commitment to Israel is ironclad and permanent.

Y: I can’t possibly get reelected if I buck the Israel lobby, so don’t even bother me with your sob stories about mistreated Palestinians.

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X: I did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Smith.

Y: Please, God, don’t let the media ever find out the truth about me and Samantha.

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X: I want to know what’s on your mind.

Y: I have a computerized setup that will send you an irrelevant, self-serving, boilerplate reply. If you wanted real access to me, why didn’t you make a big contribution to my campaign.

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X: The committee’s legal staff assures me that the courts will find Program Z to be constitutional.

Y: Who the hell are these morons who keep asking me about the Constitution? How come security let them into the hall?

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X: Every American child deserves the best possible education.

Y: When it comes to providing money and warm bodies for my reelection campaign, the NEA is hard to beat. So what if the brats can’t read and write?

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X: America must have a defense second to none.

Y: Lockheed Martin, Boeing, General Dynamics, and the rest of those merchants of death know which side my bread is buttered on. It’s all bullshit anyhow, because the USA doesn’t have a credible enemy in sight, but the rednecks are suckers for spending gazillions on this whiz-bang junk.

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X: Every American has a right to first-rate health care.

Y: There’s not enough money in heaven and earth to keep this absurd promise, but by the time Granny is dying and declared ineligible for the government-rationed care she needs to keep on living, it will be too late for her to vote for my opponent in the next election.

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X: Wall Street must be held accountable for plunging the country into a financial and economic disaster.

Y: Note to self: Have the staff see what can be done to conceal the ungodly amounts of money I’ve received over the years from Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Citigroup, and the rest of those malefactors of great wealth.

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X: The family farmer has always been the backbone of America.

Y: ADM a family farmer?? Ha ha ha ha—you’re killin’ me, you’re killin’ me!

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X: Of course, I’m for free trade, but is has to be fair trade, too.

Y: These U.S. manufacturing dinosaurs may be doomed to extinction, but as long as they are willing to put the big bucks into my campaign coffers, I am willing to screw the American consumer.

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X: We must protect America’s borders.

Y: Borders, schmorders—I’d open the gates of hell if I thought there was a vote in it. Right now, though, the crackers are so stirred up about the Mexicans coming in that I’d better play the xenophobe card.

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X: Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. Just let me assure you that I will continue to do my very best to prove that I deserve your continued trust and support.

Y: Money talks, bullshit walks.